My Mom's Funeral

What I read at my mom's funeral:

Some of you may be surprised I'm up here speaking.  I took some B Complex before hand...and if you know this about my mom, you'll know that's so her.  She was always giving it to me when I came home from dad's to help calm me down.  "What time did you go to bed?" She would ask.  "Oh...about 1:00 a.m....after we were done watching the Shining."  She didn't appreciate that.  But I did, Dad :)

For those of you who don't know me, I was affectionately known as "the baby."  Holly Ree, Holly Roo, Hol, Babe (we were all Babe), Marie

My mother's life was cut short....66 years young...too young to die in my opinion.  A life cut short but fully lived.  She traveled X amount of states...and I know this because she kept a map in the drawer of her work station with an X on each state.  She has been to several countries (again, marked on the map).  I am so very different from my momma...our styles, our sense of humor, our views....and I'm so very much like my momma....our little notes all over the house, cutting out comic strips (although I stopped doing that a long time ago), our love of music, our humor.  I have my mother's eyes.

I'm up here today to share what I have learned during this experience....as horrible as it was and continues to be.  These lessons must be shared.

1) The short story of my mom's battle as so many have asked.

She had a mammogram on July 3, 2012.  It was clear.  She felt a pain in her left breast in September but it went away.  She had the flu for three weeks in December and her stomach never recovered.  She had tests done and was seeing a specialist but no one tested her correctly and she was misdiagnosed.  She found the lump at the end of May, had a mammogram and biopsy, had a PET scan and liver biopsy and was officially diagnosed in the middle of June.  In regards to her death, she died at home in her bedroom with Dean, Lyn and I present.

2) Ring Theory--comfort in, dump out

Please, don't ever tell someone in the circles closer to the center that you don't want to see that person.  That you would rather remember them a different way.  That is an unfair statement to make to the people who love the person the most...who would most definitely do want to see that person a certain way.  Tell your spouse, kids, friends, co-workers but remember...comfort in, dump out.  Besides, I will remember my mom for everything she was.  Not just the cancer patient without any hair.  And know this, too.  We will all have our turn in the center of the circle.  

3) My mom's service.  I was watching the pilot episode of ER one of the nights I stayed in the hospital.  Carter runs outside to vomit after seeing something horrible and Dr. Green goes to check on him.  Dr. Green tells Carter not to lose his emotions....emotions are good when they are checked.  "These people come to you and they are scared, looking to you for answers...looking for you to help them.  Suck it up, put your emotions aside and do it.  Help them."  My mom lived this out.  She brought my sister and I to funeral homes for visitations and funerals of her clients.  It was important to her to respect and love on those left behind.  Mom went to people shut in their homes or in nursing homes to do their hair.  She also did the hair of people who had passed....even her own mother's.  How?  Simple.  She just couldn't stand the thought of these people not looking themselves so she pushed aside her own emotions and pain to serve them one last time.  She sang to them as she worked. 

Yup.  I got that one, mom.  I wanted to run the other way.  I wanted to hide from what I was hearing and seeing.  I couldn't take one more piece of bad news.  But I stood and faced it.  I cried all the way to the hospital and all the way home...but I held it together while I was with her...as much as I could.

4) This brings me to the fourth thing I learned: you've got what it takes.  I knew nothing about breast cancer.  I knew nothing about chemo.  I got a crash course in her medications from my sister and only half listened because it wasn't my thing.  But I quickly learned all of it.  I had to.  I had to know what was going on with her.  And I couldn't leave her alone.  I couldn't take any of this from her but I wasn't going to let her be alone.  So, I spent the night, because she asked.  I researched alternative meds when hers weren't working.  I called doctors and RNs and called last minute staff meetings when things weren't working.  I tried.  I tried to cure cancer.  I investigated constantly and with the same fire I investigated my faith.  Take that time.  Learn the truth.  Don't go based on the fact that you are just a stay-at-home mom and have no medical degree.  Dive in deep....and investigate Jesus, too, if you haven't.  Today is October 1.  The first day of breast cancer awarness month.  Stay aware.  Research if you know someone.  Or just send them my way.  Let me share all I learned. 

  

5) Sometimes the most beautiful moments are the most painful.  Through all the pain, watching people love on mom was incredible.  Watching as Kristen cut mom's hair away.  Witnessing Fawn take control of mom's mouth medication to help get rid of the thrush and mucositis. She came in before work, during lunch and after work to make sure the medication was applied.  Marylee rubbing mom's feet and Ellison helping, too.  Seeing my kids kind of hang back a little when they first saw Nana without hair but fully accept her...oh...about 37 seconds later.  Watching Lyn help change mom's clothes and clean her after she passed.  Being next to her when she died...even though I wanted to run out of the room....standing still and knowing Jesus had taken her.  Beautiful pain.

5.) Mom's tolerance--this wasn't fair and mom often said it.  She cried because of the pain and nausea.  But there was another side of her that just accepted anything that had to be done to help her.  Her port.  Her feeding tube.  Her billiary drain.  She called them her paraphenilia.  I don't think I could have endured what she did but she wanted to live.  She wanted to stay with us.  She did it out of love for her family.
  

6.) Asking the why--I've asked the Lord why over and over again....and I remember something I learned awhile ago.  If you ask God the whys about the bad, then shouldn't you ask Him the whys about the good?  Why did you take our mother?  Why did you allow her to suffer?  Why did you give me my husband?  Why did you make me a mom to two beautiful babies?  Why did you prompt me to search for Ellison a year ago tomorrow....finding her in our pond and saving her from drowning?  He is still a good God.  

I'm too young to lose my mom....but looking out at the crowd, I know so many of you have lost a parent...both parents....a sibling....a child.  I thank you for that knowing comfort....knowing what to say by sometimes saying nothing...just holding a crying, snotty face mess me.  The pain is too heavy.  The hole is so large.  I will never, ever understand this....but....I was thinking the other day....she does.  I truly believe that my mom now knows why she had to die.  I think God showed her the plan....the layout....perhaps "the baby" would start advocating to change unfair laws when it comes to medicene.  Perhaps, it's the friendships I've developed and family ties that have strengthened.  Perhaps it would help save someone from cancer.  Perhaps, it would save someone's life by giving them a Savior.  Whatever the reason for it up there, I know down here it hurts.  I just want my momma.  But I think now that she is there and she knows the plan, she's okay.  She sees how she saved many or maybe even just one.