Pulled Away

This scene right here from Once Upon A Time helps explain how it felt saying good-bye to my mother forever on earth.  The cloud of death rolling in, the way mother and daughter look into each other's eyes, Jesus taking her right before the cancer did, reluctantly letting go of her...of our history, or our present, of our future.  I had no choice.

Payoff Notice

October
It was a Friday night and I drove in the cold toward my mom's house.  There were 4 things I had to get:

1.) Orange necklace
2.) Letter about President Kennedy
3.) another necklace
4.) Closet organizer drawer

I turned into the neighborhood from Aurelius Road, the back way, the way she liked to go.  I started to get this feeling that something was pulling me back...I didn't want to actually go inside her house.  I called Dean and he said he was at the Crystal having a beer.  So, the house was empty.

I found the spare key under the deck and let myself in.  My mom's presence almost swallowed me.  I tried to shake it off but her smell, her touch....it was everywhere.  I got the creeps and after shaking them off, I went to find what I needed to find.

Necklaces.  CHECK.
Closet organizer.  Found it in the garage.  CHECK
Letter about JFK.  Unable to find it.  So I start searching through random papers in the garage.  I suddenly saw something different that Dean, Jeff and Lyn needed so badly: the payoff notice to my mom's Trailblazer.  I decided I could look for the JFK letter at a different time.  I needed to leave.  I called my sister as I was about to drive by her house and said, "did you still need the payoff notice to mom's truck?"

"Um...YEAH."

"I'm pulling in with it."

Weird how things work out.  Finding things you aren't looking for.  I ended up at the Crystal drinking a crappy glass of wine talking to Dean about heaven.

Music In Heaven?

October 30, 2013
Driving down Cryets Road after BSF.  "Free And Easy" is playing on the radio.  I start to sing it and suddenly wonder if God allows people to listen to their favorite music or do they sing hymns all day long.  I silently asked my mom, "does He?"  I quickly pushed the thought out of my head and smiled because I will never know the answer to that until I'm there.  Felt a little foolish.

Song ends.  Radio is quiet.  Straining to here next song.  No WAY!  It's Lori Morgan's "Five Minutes" comes over the airwaves.  One of my mom's favorites.  One of her kareokee songs.  An oldie.  A classic.  Sooooo rare to hear on the radio.  I turned it up, laughed and sang at the top of my lungs.

An answered question?

Later that day, I started to drive to Kroger.  I was on Willoughby and it hit me so hard that my mom was gone, gone, gone.  She should be at work.  All I had to do was drive straight through the light and pull into the parking lot.  She should be there.  We are having financial problems.  I always called my mom and talked to her about those because she could relate.  Can't call her.  Super, straight up angry and just....MAD.  Pull into a parking spot and can suddenly hear the radio.  It was a song I used to sing all the time when it came out and I would think of my parents...and how I was their baby girl.  The lyrics made me almost freak out,

"Dear Mom and Dad,
Please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny.
I don't need much just enough to get me through.
Please don't worry 'cause I'm alright.
(I'm playin here at the bar tonight)
This time I'm gonna make our dreams come true...
Well I love you more than anything in the world.
Love,
Your Baby Girl"

I'm broke.  I can't tell my momma.  I love her....still.